He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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