just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
