I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
