The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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