I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize