The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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