i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
