If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
