so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
