you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
we're so committed to being not committed
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
