Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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