Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
