I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
