I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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