my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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