When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
