If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
where are you?
Hypothermia
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
