this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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