I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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