the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
