don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
