If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
