I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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