I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
you had me at cake vodka
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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