This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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