Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
