How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize