Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
