why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
