Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
