I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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