Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
