I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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