Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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