i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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