what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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