I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
