guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
