someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
