Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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