I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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