he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
