I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize