Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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