You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
