he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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