We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
