im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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