you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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