Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
