Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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