Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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