worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
