drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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