you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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