if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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