hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
