The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
