and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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