Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
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