bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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