atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
