and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
