I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We're too hungover to prance.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
