we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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