I wish I could punch you in the face.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
