i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
