just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
it was like eating out sand paper
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
