She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
