i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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